Period 2

It’s a freezing cold Monday and though I am trying to break myself of an extreme coffee addiction I pour a cup and grab a breakfast bar and jump in the car REALLY wishing it was a snow day. Across campus I trudge reminding myself how fortunate I am and to count my blessing, not disregard them as punishments.
Good Morning Ms. Lopez!
I say as I drop my dance bag off knowing I won’t see my house until at least 7:30 that night. Up 2 more flights of stairs to Adv world lit where I sit torn between modernism and post modernism. The man who teaches the class has a DR in law and in education, so he argues the points back and forth with himself opening it up to the peanut gallery with 15 minuets left. There are a whole lot of questions and very few answers.
BEEP
On to Period 2 back down those flights of steps and to Spanish. From the moment I walk in that door until the moment I walk out no English will be spoken. Oedipus Rex is left at the door right next to a pile of “OMG!s” and “did you see her tweet?! I mean my gosh!”. Silence besides our little esponal teacher explaining and unknown concept in another language. And that is when the knot comes. The one that pulls tights against my chest and overcomes my whole body. I tense up and start scribble lists down.
The list grows and grows and all that happens is I get more and more overwhelmed and all I can think about is that bag packed in the corner. The one that is keeping me away from home but yet brings me so much relaxation. All day I struggle to go and teach dance or go home and study and do homework. Finally when my list has exceeded the length of my paper I text my mom having her make the decision for me. Honestly what would I do without her? I knew what her answer would be, I knew what I should do but I just couldn’t make the call myself. So home at 5:30 and doing homework until 11. And in 6.5 hours I’m waking up to do it again.
But tomorrow I plan to leave the trudging at home. I will leave the idea of doubt in bed. The knot that consumes me on the daily will be tied in a bow and left in place of my uniform. Tomorrow I will ace the morality test. I will understand the subjunctive. Geometry will not pull my hair out. Tomorrow I will find the good in my education and be proud of the stress. I will acknowledged the grounds I am receiving the gift of schooling on and I will pray for women around that world that someday they may trudge and doubt and sit at a desk doing hours of work on top of the hours of school. Because I am fortunate to experience it now I pray they will complain one day too.

Pour the coffee sista

Sometimes I drop off the face of the earth…sorry ‘bout that. But this time I didn’t, I had to make a list about my to do list. You know the final draft of the to do list, the one thats put in order of priorities and sometimes even categorized to the different sections of my life? Ya, that to do list. Unfortunately that to do list even looks messy. It starts off all in a line, in order, but as I go I remember things I have to do and just throw them down, then the crossing off comes in and there are lines everywhere notes on what still needs to be done and why. The point of me telling you this is that I’m not meaning to leave you high and dry but this falls between make tomorrow’s lunch and pinterest. For real though I wish I had more time for you.

There really aren’t enough hours in a day. Yesterday for example. 6 am my alarm screams pulling me from that fabulous thing called sleep. The there’s that whole school thing–7 hrs later I sit on the side of a road cheering on our Cross Country team. From there to dance (I’m tellin’ you all there is no better feeling than when a kid you teach catches on to a movement/ dance and gets excited about it with you. Ahg I could do that all night!) And all too soon, it’s over. I get home for the first time in 13 hours around 7:30 eat dinner and disappear to do homework, look up and to see that PM is now AM, I cut my losses and get some sleep. 5:30—time to do it again! Pour the tea or coffee or honestly any caffeinated beverage and let’s do this thang.

No, I don’t have much downtime but I appreciate that sweet time when I’ve got it! I have learned to appreciate caffeine in its truest form–black coffee, and messy buns are simply protocol. Lists are a necessity otherwise something will be left out. Even with them not everything gets done. I’ve learned how to say no to extra jobs (I mean kinda…) and pencils are great for erasing. Somedays I most definitely feel like play doh being pulled and stretched and rolled so thin that I get that hole smack dab in the middle but I roll back up and come out whole.

My mom’s friend told me to “Seek to be whole, not perfect.”. Well, I’m a whole lot of a little bit of everything, perfect not being one of them but it’s all a learning experience. No one can learn how to live my days for me, no one can say how I learn best but me. So I will learn to live my days using all but 6 hours for sleep (that’s my goal somedays it more or less but sleep rolls over doesn’t it? Oh it doesn’t? Opps..). They say it takes 20 days to create a habit, but life isn’t a habit– no 2 days are alike. So we adjust and deal.

Just remember– you’re too legit to quit.

Love, hugs, and many cups of coffee
Molly

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

I just keep hitting that button. That curved arrow. Again and again. The same song playing, running through my earphones, charging into my brain. It’s not even a fun, up beat, cheerful song. It’s slow. It tells a story I have never experienced. Yet this song speaks to me, I could listen all day. “Spinning you ’round and ’round in circles” . I don’t listen to country on my free time. But here I am. Right now even, I’m listening. And why? Why can’t I get enough of this song? This song that has nothing pertaining to my life right now? Why must I just lay here and listen? Normally I could think for awhile and come up with some answer that a normal 15 year old wouldn’t. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to tear apart a song and decipher why I like it so much. I do that all too often. I think too much. I speak too much. I need to just listen, sit back and listen. Watch for a little while. Hold all judgments back, keep opinions to myself. Just let life be life. Let myself be a teenage girl who doesn’t know all the answers, because even though that scares the hibbie-gebies out of me, I can’t expect myself to always know why. To always know what to say. I can only expect myself to accept myself. But that can be just as hard as knowing all the answers.

I could sit here and try to explain that last sentence, tell you that for me the path to accepting is knowing the answers. Tell you that for me to accept myself I need to reach this impossible standard of perfection. But that’s not entirely true. Sure knowing the answers and the facts help but I am still sometimes going to be oblivious to the world around me. Acceptance of anything happens one step at a time, not all at once. So this is especially tricky when it comes to ourselves, because we change in a daily basis. Sometimes it feels  we take 2 steps forward 3 steps back. Again and again. So what. So what we aren’t perfect. So what we can’t master the strange and difficult task of acceptance. We are trying, people get places by trying. So, we’re gettin’ places. I don’t know where, or when but we are gettin’ there, and once we are there a new task will meet us at the door. Flying 90 m/h straight in the gut. And you know what? We will keep going. Why? We are just like this song. We:

Repeat

Repeat

Repeat.

Almost there.

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You know it’s bad when Summer by Calvin Harris comes on and tears well up in your eyes and all you can think about is that warm sunshine on your face in the middle of July with a sweet tea in hand , getting to go out and conquer your day the way you decide. Tears, real tears roll down my checks all for what? A few tests? Literally 7 hours. I am crying over 7 more hours, and yet they kept coming. 1,2,3, “Stand up and walk away, at this point that is all you can do” I whispered to myself. I needed a serious pep talk. I needed someone to look me in the eyes and say “Hey girly, you are worth more than those numbers on the top of your paper. Your life is more than that. There is more to you than memorizing a few thousand fill in the blanks and vocab words. There is something else behind that brain of yours. Sometimes you just have to work with what ya got, and let me tell you, you have a lot. You have a soul and a heart. You have a personality. You are no robot. No one can expect to just feed you facts and hear them come out perfectly. Why? Because you are no machine. You can’t expect that out of yourself. Be super proud of yourself because you are something better than a non-stop machine. You are a non-stop living, breathing human. A human who has thoughts outside of Interrogated Concepts of Science. A human who laughs more than she studies. A human who loves more than hates. But sweetheart, you are human. You can’t expect perfection out of yourself. Allow a little room for error. Don’t expect yourself to win every time, to get an A+ every time, to love as though that persona has never hurt you. Doing that will only disappoint yourself and the most important thing right now is to be proud of yourself. To walk into that school tomorrow like you have this in the bag. Believe in yourself because never has anyone walked into a test saying ‘I’m gonna fail this thing’ and come out with an A.  You made it through freshman year. Props to you hot stuff. Now there is only 7 hours. That’s all. You’ve been in a car longer than that. Soon that sunshine will be here. Soon you will be wearing over-sized sunglasses, sundresses, and sipping on sweet tea. Soon you will be pool side,  smiling as you feel that sunburn settling in thinking ‘This won’t hurt as bad as that Spanish final, plus this has a positive outcome– a TAN’. Soon my dear. It is all in arms length. You are in the final stretch, 9th inning, 90th minute. That finish line is just 7 paces away. ”

So this one is to all of you crying at the thought of summer. This is your pep talk. Pass it on. Pep talk your bestie into finishing this one out strong.

Hugs, love, and much much support- Molly

Out Loud

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I talk to myself. When I am alone and the house is quite I do it loudly. I talk with an extreme confidence, I don’t hold back any of my crazy and/or wild thoughts. I just let them go from my busy brain to my non stop mouth filling the empty silence. I speak with a confidence I only have when no one is listening. When no one is judging. When there are others around and the house isn’t so silent, I mouth these words. I don’t stop them because, why would I? Once they are out out in the open ( even if it is only my open, in my little world) , there is no taking them back. Saying it makes it so much more real. Almost tangible. I feel like I could reach out and grab those words. Hold them. Cradle them by my chest and care for them as if they were my child. Sometimes we think so profound things but yet never share them with the world because we never get the courage to actually say them. We worry about being judged. Being told whatever thought we just had was already thought by someone greater than us, more important. That we aren’t as original as we may want to be. But here’s the thing. You thought that thought. No one put it in your head. You did. Props to you my dear. So say it. Say it to yourself. Feel those words pour out of your mouth just like water pours out of a waterfall. Feel those beautiful words free themselves from the jail cells inside your brain. Let them go. Let that combination of 26 letters come from your mouth. Look yourself right in the mirror and say it. Because you will feel good. Confident. You will feel as though you rule the world. 

Saying it out loud makes it so real. Once you say it it has been said. You used the oxygen that the trees so graciously made you to say whatever it was. It makes you stick to it. It makes you believe it a little bit more. Say it out loud and it becomes more than just a thought. We all think. We think all the time. We think some pretty amazing things. Why not say them? Maybe once you say them to yourself you could gather the courage to say it out loud to someone else. What if that thought really is perfectly original? What if your below the surface thinking triggers someone else to think a little harder, a little deeper? You could start a beautiful chain reaction. Let’s do it. 

Love and hugs- Molly

 

How do you see it?

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Thought I would challenge you this week and leave it plain and simple. I will leave you with a question. Something for you to think on. Something for you to decide whether or not you excel in this area or not. How do you view the word? Positively? Negatively? Are you optimistic? Liberal? Conservative? There is no right or wrong answer as long as YOU are happy with this outlook. So this week challenge is to evaluate yourself. Good luck!

Love and hugs- Molly

Whatever is god for the soul, do that

good for the soul

Not to be confused with

• What feels good, do that

• What is easiest, do that

• What gives you instant gratification, do that

In fact, doing what is good for the soul, could actually the exact opposite of the above. If we could  all big decision in our life with “what is best for the soul,” then we would be open to taking the harder route, to being patient, to prolonging our rewards. After all, it is the soul that has eternal life not our bodies. Why is it so hard then to deny the instant gratification our bodies’ crave. As the Lenten season approaches, this is going to be my pilgrimage I will be working on changing my priorities to put my soul (and others souls) first.

God Speed. Mary.

day to day

blank blue dots

Recently I feel like I do the same thing everyday. Get up, go to school, pay attention in half the classes, come home and complain about the teachers and who knows what else, do homework, go to dance, come home, shower, and go to bed.  I even eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch! Every. Single. Day. I realized this when my friend asked me the ultimate small talk question ” So what’s new with you?”  What is new with me? Nothing. I am just going through life day by day. I am done with that… I want to live my life. I don’t want the only thing I look forward to be late start on Wednesday mornings (but I will never stop being excited for an extra hour of sleep!)  I want to look forward to make a difference in someone’s day. I don’t want to walk so close to the walls that I bump into them when I turn the corner. I want to not be afraid to walk strait down the middle of the hallway ( granted, I will not do that because, well, being a 5’2 freshman girl, I will be run over!). But let my point be taken. I want to live my life and look forward to waking up in the morning and showing people who I am inside my heart. Last year I wrote a book for school called beYOUtiful.  Now, granted it was about a crayon accepting himself and glowing in the dark, but we need to remember that it applies to us, too. The most beautiful people are the people who truly believe they are beYOUtiful. Those people live life, they just don’t got through it. So that is my semester goal. Live my life, because it could be snatched away from me in a snap.  Are you living life or just going through it?

Love and hugs- Molly

The universal feeling you get when a book is over.

Middle Daughter: It’s gone… it’s over…

Me: Ohhhh, I know that feeling (reaching out to hug and comfort her)

Middle Daughter: The characters, all of it, over!

Me: ( pat, pat) I know, honey.

Middle Daughter: “I don’t know what to do now.”

Oldest Daughter ( Molly) : Post book depression?

Middle Daughter: Yes, and there is not going to be another book series as good;

It is just done; over

Silence in the house. Middle daughter roams around, dips a chip in some cheese dip and starts back upstairs to her room

“I think I am going to read it again.”

Me: Smiling.

Weekly Wrap Up.

weekly wrap up

What a week! Holy cow! We both have earned our sleep every night. Do you ever feel that somedays you deserve to rest and sleep more than other days? Or is that just me, because it very well could be! But every night this week ( besides Monday, I had a snow day!) I have gone hard all day. My sleep and weekend are well deserved this week!  This week has been full of ideas, girl drama, stressing about school ( yep, first week back and I already am stressed.), trying new things, and most of all putting myself out there; in more ways than one.  So to go along with my theme of the week I will try a new type of witting, a different kind of post.

Monday: SNOW DAY! This day was spent catching up on sleep and being lazy. The only productive thing that came out of this day was I started The Book Thief. So far it is fabulous, highly recommend! 

Tuesday: Back to school. Time to wake up at the break of dawn, start using my brain, and dealing with the girl drama (we have a girls ask guys dance coming up and, well, that should speak for itself!). So it is safe to say I was NOT ready for that. Then off to dance practice.I love ending my day this way, it relaxes me and I get to end my day on a high note!

Wednesday: School…again. Did you know that high school girls are catty? Ha. I would never have guessed. But my religion teacher had the best lecture, it was one of those that leave you thinking long after class was over. And there was dance, to once again, clear my mind.

Thursday: Wake up and go, go, go! First a stuco meeting, then learning, Sweetheart is another day closer ( oh no! ), next off to the pre-school classroom for some service hours and time with those sweet kids! After that was something I was honestly proud of myself for doing,as you may have seen on our Instagram (@Doubletake_x2) I tried out for the school play, and to say I was nervous is an understatement! But I did it and felt good about it! Part or no part I tried something new. Then off to dance again, something new and something old. And I am loving both!

Friday: Today (normally my favorite day of the week) started off by oversleeping and realizing that I may have plugged my phone into my charger but the charger is not be in the wall. After that it lead to a day of pop quizzes (3 to be exact), MORE drama, me accidentally getting into it by trying to help someone out of a situation they didn’t want to be in, finding out 5 of my former dance friends transferred to the opposing school (this hit really hard for me), but then it all was made better by a classic movie Sleepless in Seattle and a good friend, and getting a date so I can stay out of the drama for good!

So there was my week. Believe it or not this week was a learning moment for me and my mom. Sometimes high school is stereotypical, and many times I want to be a social turtle.  But that is when you need to switch it up, try something new, and who knows maybe you will love it. I did. As my dance teacher always says ” If you feel awkward or uncomfortable, you’re doing it right”  That was my theme this week. What was yours?

Hugs and love- Molly